into the...

I go back and forth between being utterly excited about starting grad school and scared shitless. The idea of starting something new, learning so much, and the constant push to think, design, and express creatively excites me. But at the same time commitment, the fear of failing, and the unknown amount of effort that if going to be exerted leaves me fearful.

Depending on the day my mood fluctuates and I either fill overwhelmed or over zealous I guess. My thoughts go a little like this,

“I can’t wait! I don’t know. I can’t wait! Do I really want to know?
I can’t wait. Can I?”


Something can definitely be said for that not so little place called the unknown and though it leaves me excited for the future, I think it also propels me to fear perhaps a little bit more depending on the day.

Either way, I don’t think you can call this the final countdown… but time is definitely on its way.

John Lennon and Communion

“in the name of the father, the son, and Lennon.”
“And the Beatles.”
“And the Beatles!”
“John Lennon.”

Last night was a good night. The dancing, the drinking, the music, the company we keep. How my hands burn from the endless clapping, and the arches in my feet have a pulsing sting, my eyes burn from lack of sleep, and my body moves a bit slower today – my mind following some what behind.

We danced, and danced, and danced. The work out run. “Your sweat so sweet.” The shadows on the walls, the broken cocktail glasses on the floor, the bodies moving, and yet a immature, child-like smile across our faces.

Goldfish crackers, top 5’s, “High Fidelity” moments, and you, me, and the Beatles.

a life worth living

I spent an hour or so at work today filling out these goal sheets they give us. Let me preface this by saying, I work with awesome people that have their heads on straight. Though sometimes they sound like a self help book, I believe that as people they strive to be the best by constantly evaluating their lives, finding the features and flaws, and working to use them both positively.

With that said, part of the new employee packet is a goal form. Within this form there are 6 sections to evaluate your life in. You do a now and a year out estimation. It’s good to look at things when you have stepped back from the moment and that is kind of what this allows you to do -write it all down and then look at it as a whole.

I’m not going to bore you with reiterating everything I’ve written down. But I will let you in on some of my goals for the next year or so.

Meaningful Goals:
Find the time to breathe. Not just live, but be a live with much emotion, feeling, fear, and excitement.

Personal Goals:
Eat salads often. Less ice cream and more frozen yogurt. I have a dreaded 3 lbs that I have been making foolish attempts to lose and failing at. I just want the three lbs to go.

Fun Goals:
Travel more. Take weekend trips down the coast, see LA, visit Seattle, shop in San Francisco.

There are a lot more “personal” goals to say the least. But I find these to be the most exciting. The possibility of seeing and doing. And in the process, I will change because of my many experiences.

I start grad school in 3 weeks. The fear of living like I am 35 at 22 sounds horrible. And though I have defiantly started to settle into a lifestyle and a way of living, I still want to live.

somedays it's all so clear

Something about today made me miss Seattle. Driving down Q street, something just reminded me. Perhaps it was the fact that I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to eat and all I could think of was the little gelato and postcard place ½ block from my old apartment that sold tomato, basil, and mozzarella sandwiches. Today, that sandwich, and a walk around the lake or near the water sounded nice. The breeze. Actually I could go for cold weather, a scarf, and a jacket. I miss wearing black skirts, black sweaters, my jacket.


I miss the way the city looked. When I worked there, I worked in the international district on top a hill. You could go up a spiral staircase to the roof. From there you could see all the city and across the water. I miss the way it looked.
Some of the best sunsets.
And the freeway that wrapped around the water and hugged the side of the city.
I miss it.


I miss going to Easy Street records and eating soup at Pagliacci which I am sure I didn’t spell right. I miss the strawberry things at café lladro. I miss going to re-bar to hear Eric dj and though 15 people showed up, his music selection was far better than anything else I’ve ever heard. I miss the shops, the big buildings, the small Italian restaurant on 15th in Capitol Hill. Specialties.

I miss Christmas where it is actually cold. I miss the way I felt the first time I ever saw it snow. I miss growing up somewhere new, exciting, and different. I miss feeling lost, alone, scared. At least I was feeling.

I hate the fact that I realize these things now. I hate that I was so stuck on misconceptions and discomfort and failed to move past it. I regret that I went to bed so early. And that I stayed in at night.


I miss the W. I miss french fries and garlic bread at Dads. I miss the sense of discovery and all the messed up feeling that exist there. I miss the residential streets so close together, the Thai house, the ocean where we said someday we’ll go across to see the rainforest on the other side.

Some days you have to stop thinking or you’ll just cry. Cry and Cry and Cry. Listen to Rocky Votalato and you’ll remember it all, see it so clearly, and feel that absence of a place I overlooked but in my mistakes have grown to love.

Foward

I have been slacking perhaps. More of less, I have been exceptionally busy adjusting to changes. Within the last week I have started a new job (finally), moved from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment, and attempted to straighten out financial aid just in time for grad school to start in september. Its nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel and all the possibilities that exsist because of it.

I've spent the week adjusting to a new job and moving into the new place. TJ and I spent last night drinking and I hate to use the word reflecting but for lack of a better phrase, we reflected on how we felt about moving. There is so much I could say but I will do my best to limit my idea....

I told tj that I love the new place. Not because it is bigger and "cooler" and merely because of the fact that it is more. But I love it because of what it has allowed me to do. I read (present tense) or read (past tense). I forgot though. For the last 8 months my books have been packed away in the closet with other crap and I never thought about it. But the new space has allowed me to open up all the things that I haven't had to space for and remind myself just exactly who I am and what I love. I love reading. I love books. I love a well crafted sentence. Writing being the essence of communication only one has the time to think, revise, and refine before committing to there use of language. I love it. And today and yesterday I was reminded of that when I pulled down the boxes of books and lined them up on the shelf to stare at every day.

Aside from my books and all that the subject entails, I got to re-visit my magazines. They all have been hidden within the clutter of my old place. But in moving, I dusted them all and got a chance to remember what it is I love about magazines, the paper, the print, the image, the idea. Media.


And fashion. The new place has the most amazing closets. I color sorted TJs shirts in the closet and upon looking at it he said "I feel like I am in Bananna Republic." Now someday I would hope I have 30 closets with Marc Jacobs tank tops, Chanel shoes and purses and sunglasses, Gucci bags, Diesel jeans, little Prada black dresses hanging in them. But for the moment Banana Republic will do and I love the fact that I have a walls length of a closet with my Michael Kors and Gucci bags, my 2 pair of Diesel Jeans, and heels that drive TJ crazy. I love clothes, the evolution of fashion, how things change and reoccur, and recreate the concept. I love it.

To add to all the reminders that surround me and reinforce who I believe myself to be and what my interest are. I finally am getting the internet for my house. With grad school starting it is necessary and getting the internet is a reminder of what is waiting for my with some hard work (a masters degree).

To top it off.........one month of work plus the new place means I get a dog. A jack russell terrier to be specific. And I can't wait.

With all this said, I've read two books this week, my work has required I read them..."Raving Fan" and "Who Moved My Cheese". The cheese book is basic but worth the reading. Takes less than an hour. Go get it.

I get the internet on Thursday so hopefully with that I will stay on top of things and be a bit more timely with these post.

With all that being said, I think I am up to date and needless to say for once, in a very long time, I am looking forward to waking up to the sun peeking in the windows, getting my double espresso over ice and blue berry scone, and driving 25 blocks to work tomorrow. I am finally looking forward.

Blur.

Its been 5 months since TJ and I moved back from Seattle and it can be stated that nothing worked for me the way I expected. The last two months have felt like a minor mid-life crisis / natural disaster.

My expecations we're not exactly meet with satisfactory approval. From the potential of friends that never quite worked out, our white trash apartment, the job from hell, my best friend deciding I wasn't her friend, getting fired, 2 deaths, and the 108 weather, all of it added up and the only thing I can think to say is "its been ruff."

The last 5 months have entailed all of these things and more and the end result has been a rather exhausted, unmotivated, lifeless, and depressed ME. The last two months closely resemble one of those days you drank to much and stayed up too late and then had to get up at 6 in the morning for a job interview you weren't exactly up for. And the day dragged on until you got home and for some reason couldn't sleep but your eyes burned. And so you sat and watched MTV hating every moment of it yet wishing you had every twenty thousand dollar thing that flashed across the screen.

This has been the last two months. A slow process that exploded into two months of a mere monotone, motionless moment that lasted from July 30 until now.

With this said, I got a job today. Not the expected, not exactly what I had hoped for. But something that could end up being the perfect fit between work, grad school, and leaving a little free time.

Hopefully this will be the beginning of something good. I've taken out a student loan, got a job in mid-town, and tomorrow TJ and I look at a two bedroom apartment so that he can begin building a recording studio and I can finally get a jack russell terrier. There is some oxygen left in the air, though it hasn't felt that way for quite some time.

Nothing in life is perfect, and nothing seems to work the way you want it to. Alteast not for me, atleast not now. But that isn't to say the potential for things to clear up and smooth themselves out is great. And perhaps by my birthday in september things will be looking up and perhaps I will feel that way.


And for now, my last day of unemployement, I decided to play in the bathroom, putting on more makeup then I think i have ever worn, and from here I am going to meet my mom for a pedicure and know that tomorrow is a new day and perhaps the beginning to the end. Or perhaps just a new beginning.