Blur.

Its been 5 months since TJ and I moved back from Seattle and it can be stated that nothing worked for me the way I expected. The last two months have felt like a minor mid-life crisis / natural disaster.

My expecations we're not exactly meet with satisfactory approval. From the potential of friends that never quite worked out, our white trash apartment, the job from hell, my best friend deciding I wasn't her friend, getting fired, 2 deaths, and the 108 weather, all of it added up and the only thing I can think to say is "its been ruff."

The last 5 months have entailed all of these things and more and the end result has been a rather exhausted, unmotivated, lifeless, and depressed ME. The last two months closely resemble one of those days you drank to much and stayed up too late and then had to get up at 6 in the morning for a job interview you weren't exactly up for. And the day dragged on until you got home and for some reason couldn't sleep but your eyes burned. And so you sat and watched MTV hating every moment of it yet wishing you had every twenty thousand dollar thing that flashed across the screen.

This has been the last two months. A slow process that exploded into two months of a mere monotone, motionless moment that lasted from July 30 until now.

With this said, I got a job today. Not the expected, not exactly what I had hoped for. But something that could end up being the perfect fit between work, grad school, and leaving a little free time.

Hopefully this will be the beginning of something good. I've taken out a student loan, got a job in mid-town, and tomorrow TJ and I look at a two bedroom apartment so that he can begin building a recording studio and I can finally get a jack russell terrier. There is some oxygen left in the air, though it hasn't felt that way for quite some time.

Nothing in life is perfect, and nothing seems to work the way you want it to. Alteast not for me, atleast not now. But that isn't to say the potential for things to clear up and smooth themselves out is great. And perhaps by my birthday in september things will be looking up and perhaps I will feel that way.


And for now, my last day of unemployement, I decided to play in the bathroom, putting on more makeup then I think i have ever worn, and from here I am going to meet my mom for a pedicure and know that tomorrow is a new day and perhaps the beginning to the end. Or perhaps just a new beginning.