somedays it's all so clear

Something about today made me miss Seattle. Driving down Q street, something just reminded me. Perhaps it was the fact that I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to eat and all I could think of was the little gelato and postcard place ½ block from my old apartment that sold tomato, basil, and mozzarella sandwiches. Today, that sandwich, and a walk around the lake or near the water sounded nice. The breeze. Actually I could go for cold weather, a scarf, and a jacket. I miss wearing black skirts, black sweaters, my jacket.


I miss the way the city looked. When I worked there, I worked in the international district on top a hill. You could go up a spiral staircase to the roof. From there you could see all the city and across the water. I miss the way it looked.
Some of the best sunsets.
And the freeway that wrapped around the water and hugged the side of the city.
I miss it.


I miss going to Easy Street records and eating soup at Pagliacci which I am sure I didn’t spell right. I miss the strawberry things at café lladro. I miss going to re-bar to hear Eric dj and though 15 people showed up, his music selection was far better than anything else I’ve ever heard. I miss the shops, the big buildings, the small Italian restaurant on 15th in Capitol Hill. Specialties.

I miss Christmas where it is actually cold. I miss the way I felt the first time I ever saw it snow. I miss growing up somewhere new, exciting, and different. I miss feeling lost, alone, scared. At least I was feeling.

I hate the fact that I realize these things now. I hate that I was so stuck on misconceptions and discomfort and failed to move past it. I regret that I went to bed so early. And that I stayed in at night.


I miss the W. I miss french fries and garlic bread at Dads. I miss the sense of discovery and all the messed up feeling that exist there. I miss the residential streets so close together, the Thai house, the ocean where we said someday we’ll go across to see the rainforest on the other side.

Some days you have to stop thinking or you’ll just cry. Cry and Cry and Cry. Listen to Rocky Votalato and you’ll remember it all, see it so clearly, and feel that absence of a place I overlooked but in my mistakes have grown to love.