the struggle

i write this knowning that when i finish i will stand up and walk to the bank to deposit my last pay check. there is something in that that is scary and final. i've been unemployed for three days and am hating every moment of it. it couldn't have been a worse week to be looking for a job thanks to the fourth of july. its like a three day set back and hopefully tomorrow will have a better out look. im not holding my breath.

i looked at other job options today. those "not options" until i have no luck finding a salary job. the coffee shop, waitress, work at the limited type jobs. and the fact that i even have to consider "those" jobs options scares the shit out of me and makes me want to cry.

looking for a job, any job sucks. the process of checking your email thirty times a day and sitting in the same coffee shop chair that leads to back aches sucks. perhaps i am supposed to imbrace this process, value my time sitting next to a window, but i dont feel that way. its not the lack of money, or the lack of ability to spend it, but its the instability, the not knowning. if i was told i will have a job in 3 weeks i would be okay. i'd spend no money, survive and have the peace of knowning i will soon be employeed. but the unknown leads to fear and uncertianity and a slight overtone of hopelessness.

i would like one interview. just one. a little spark. the search continues.